Mothers

I look around me at the people who love and respect their moms. The hugs, the happiness of kids knowing their mom was there for them and the happiness of moms being appreciated for being there for their kids. It's a joyful occasion that needs to be celebrated!! It's hard work being a mom, but for some it comes quite naturally, for others a challenge.

I'm feeling sad today. A couple of days ago my daughter was here visiting with my new grandbaby. Our conversation drifted to the past and suddenly reality hit me square in the face. My daughter does not love me because she views me as an abusive mother who messed up her life. I looked deep within, I saught in my mind memories to prove that wrong, but instead was confronted with truth in her words.

I married a man I did not love. That had its affect on me and the marriage, and ultimately the kids. I didn't have to marry him, I wasn't pregnant or anything like that. The realization that I didn't love him came strongest on our wedding day. You know how you can focus too much on the terrible thing it would be to cancel when there are guests arriving, church is decorated, etc etc. When I should have focused on the future, the real part of what I was entering into...marriage.

The kids came, I loved them so much. Then trouble in the marriage came. Counselor after counselor. Then PMS came. Goodbye Flo. Hello Monster. It is this monster that the kids think of when they think of me. Gone are the good memories, camping, bedtime stories, all gone. Only the yelling. The smacking around and anger sit in their minds when they think of me and there's not a thing I can do about it now. Those days are gone..I've managed to dupe myself into thinking since I've let it go...the kids will. WRONG!

My son feels betrayed because I told his dad he was doing drugs (which he was). My daughter feels betrayed because I divorced her dad and changed their finances. I did not go after his retirement and had given him mine when we got married so he could build a house he now lives in. I am no innocent in any of this. But, looking into the mirror and seeing an abusive parent looking back is new to me. Knowing my children talk about me as the abusive parent to others is embarressing and shameful to me. Yes..see? It's me me me. All about me. A habit hard to break.

My own mother abused me and I was never able to see anything good about her. Knowing this is how it is for my children breaks my heart. My oldest I raised alone. She seems to genuinely care about me so I did something right in that relationship. There still isn't that respect of having been a good mother. I know there are others out there who are struggling on this day...Mother's Day. Can't go back and fix it. Try to do the best you can in parenting and grandparenting now, but it's too late to change what's inside my children..the memories they have..the damage I've done to them. No, I do not own this as my being the only contributor to the disfunction. It does always take two.

If you had a good nuturing mother who baked cookies and was soft and gentle you are blessed. If you had a bad mother who snarled and seemed mentally disturbed all the time..please please try to forgive her. Try to move forward without blaming her entirely for your problems. Own your own share in them. If you are grown up, be grown up. I didn't stop blaming my mother and father for my hangups until I was in my late 50s..don't wait so long. If you abused your children admit it.
I am admitting it. I am owning it. I am paying for it.