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Tuesday, February 10, 2015

reflecting

It's been 8 months since my son, Michael, died.  June 3, 2014.  See saw of emotion and lack of emotion.  I still find it overwhelming to do simple tasks and I want to stay in bed much longer.  I have laughed, and I have cried.  Reading about grief, hearing songs about death or even just a beautiful melody brings on the sorrow.

I have accepted his death..yet not really.  I question my faith and feel desperate to know for sure he's in Heaven.  I was not part of his life the last few years except messages I sent via facebook.  He rejected my friend requests and efforts to have a relationship.  He never stopped his feeling he referred to as apathy towards me.  Better anger than apathy.  Different times I'd run into him, like granddaughter's birthday parties and he'd allow a hug, a picture, but there was definately indifference on his part.  It hurt.  But losing him doesn't hurt any less because he did not return my love.  If anything it hurts more because of the unfinished business.  Oh how I worked toward a relationship.

Just spilling my guts as I've had a good cry and felt the need to write things down.

Until the next time

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Runaways

Gee, time is goin so fast.  I've been to California and Mexico since my last post.  We escaped for Thanksgiving.  Family dynamics being what they are, we just ran away.  Had Thanksgiving with Bob's family.

Got thru December 16 which was my son's birthday.  He would have been 33.  His dying in June sure messed up the joy of the holidays I have to say.  Fun isn't fun.  Oh, I have the joy of the Lord for sure, but this business of living out each day has its ups and downs when you lose a child.

We're going thru the motions of decorating, shopping, wrapping and meal planning for Christmas Eve.  I like to plan early, but unfortunately I'm trying to coordinate with a daughter who doesn't.  I'm on hold til she says yes, she'll cook the meat.  Usually this being the 17th of December, I'd have the table set by now.

Our cruise to Mexico was our 3rd so I didn't even get off the ship at one port.  First time with Norwegian...usually prefer Princess.  I struggled with swollen ankles the latter part of the vacation.  We sat too much with family, playing games and eating out that got my ankles started, then on the ship their auditorium was poor planning so rows were so close together you couldn't really cross your legs or change positions...little puffy ankles dangling down getting fatter and fatter.  But, we had a wonderful Steward who made cute little animals out of towels everyday.

We took our time driving home and all in all it was a good time with family in California and we do not reqret going.

Monday, October 13, 2014

hey Kathy

video
showing Kathi what rough seas does to swimming pool, yet ship feels totally stable and not rocky.

Friday, October 3, 2014

4 months

Today was the 4 month anniversary of my son's death.  Yes, there have been tears, but there has been laughter as well.  Both are gifts from God.  The tears to release the pain of such a loss and the laughter a gift for other family members to give them hope of my return to normal.   And yes, some guilt accompanies the laughter like I'm failing to grieve properly.  I know this, too, shall pass.  I've come through other difficulties and here I am.  Oh, nothing as powerful as the loss of a child...nothing compares to that I'd guess.  But, God is showing me how strong I am and that my behavior will show others how to grieve with God's strength.  Without it, the experience would be unbearable.  Thank you for taking this journey with me if you read my blog.  

Saturday, September 20, 2014

I'd do that for you Jesus.

There comes a time you have to realize your kids are adults and can choose who they want to hang out with.  If you are unable to watch their kids on a certain time...or say something they feel is worthless..they make it seem so easy to pull back their love.  It's hard to see other families functioning as a unit, close and respectful when you are in a disfunctional one.  Looking forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas is no longer a joy, but a dread.  The desire to run away...live in another city so you can explain this riff  is due to distance.  Your grandkids may view your absence as distance as I'm quite sure they're being told "I guess they're too busy to see you".  The truth being...nobody responds to efforts to speak and arrange to see the kids.  I am beginning to believe it is not so much a rejection to us as a rejection of our Jesus that we serve.  If that's the case it's bible prophecy that we'll be persecuted and I can handle that.  I'd do that for you Jesus!!!  In the end times family fall apart..we're there I'd guess, we're there.

Friday, September 12, 2014

yurt vacation

Just got back from camping on the Oregon Coast in a Yurt.

That's Bob inside there finishing up set up.  Here's inside the thing.
I slept on the bottom and Bob went to the rafters.  Across is a futon couch thing..we sat there with laptop propped up on two chairs to watch dvds at night..I know...roughing it huh?  Yurts have electricity, but you 're not allowed to cook inside.

We read on the beach, ate fried food and some relaxation.  I'd say camping is NOT relaxing unless you're in one of those huge motor homes or other RV.

We enjoyed smores and watching the fire.  It's a step up from a tent..unless you have a huge tent. The key to it all is HUGE..haha.

Friday, September 5, 2014

out of Ashes

In my devotions this morning I read "I will bring beauty out of the ashes of your dreams.  I will glean joy out of sorrow."  The writer hit it on the head.  I thought of my recently deceased son who had been cremated..ashes.  The dream of a complete restoration of our relationship was burned up.  But, God can bring beauty out of this and find joy for me.  This was encouraging to me.  A confirmation God has not forgotten me.  I carry no grudge against God for Michael's death.  I do not understand it, but trust HIM completely.