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Friday, August 29, 2014

daily?

A Facebook friend told me about the death of her 25 yr old son.  Wept tears for her and for myself.  Is this a daily thing?  Grieving is really quite terrible..the helplessness of it all.  But, I know God is with me in this valley.

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Goodbye my son.

June 3, 2014 my world as I knew it changed.  It began with a knock on the door and my daughter Holly and granddaughter, Mia stood there.  "Is Bob here" they asked as they came in.  No.  I started laughing and said "oh my goodness I don't have a bra on..don't want little Mia scared about getting old" so I told them to sit down and I'd be right out of the bathroom where I finished dressing. I was laughing and happy, without a care in the world..never dreaming in 5 minutes that would all be gone and I would have a care in the world.

"When is Bob going to be home?" Holly asked again.  "Sit down, I have something to tell you" she said with such a serious look on her face.  I sat down.  Her next words caused the most pain I have ever experienced.
"Michael died"  I looked at Mia with such pity as I assumed it was her daddy who we call Mike.  "Michael?" I asked.   "Your son, my brother," Holly said almost impatiently.  No wonder she wanted my husband there.

Shock.  Screaming denial.  No No No, this cannot be true..my arms pushing the dreadful words away. Holly told me, Michael,  had been fixing himself a drink and felt light headed or dizzy and lay down on the floor halfway between kitchen and living room in his apartment.  The empty glass lay nearby.  My 32 year old son just folded his hands under his head like a pillow and quietly left this earth.  Later his autopsy would indicate a coronary disease that was undiagnosed.

After telling me, Holly left to go tell her half sister, I called Bob and screamed into the phone "my son is dead"!!!  Poor guy stopped his shopping at Lowes, tried to swing by our church to get advice on how to help me before coming home.  The church was blocked off due to a search for a suspect in the area, so Bob just came on home.  He plopped down beside me on the sofa where I was sobbing and cried with me, saying "I'm so sorry, Flo, this is the worse that could ever happen to you."  He held me so tight and has been such a source of support.

I  miss Michael more than words can express.  We had a strained relationship and it was seeming to improve just before he left this earth.  I'm not mad at God.  He has sustained me beyond understanding.

I'm grieving.  Tears come without warning.  Agony of spirit can be brought on by a dream, a smell, a sight.
I know lots of people lose loved ones.  But, I have heard losing a child is among the worst.  I believe it now.

Bob created a beautiful memorial book for me.

 It's filled not only with some pictures, but legal documents, messages from Facebook friends, all the sympathy cards are indexed and attached in a way you can open each one and read it.  I even put in conversations with my son held on Facebook Messaging.  He never accepted my friendship on there.  My loss is the loss of a dream of having my son in my life.  He accepted Jesus early in life and although had drifted, he never lost that core belief.  I pray he'll be one of those saints running toward me when I arrive in Heaven!!  I LOVE YOU MICHAEL

Here's the last picture of us together a few months before his death
Here's Michael's Memorial Video shown at his funeral.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-NrGYDIjA14

grandma tries.

video
I may be old, but this grandma tries to have fun with her grandkids!!