hack hack

Good grief..I've been coughing a month now. Called the doctor I saw May 23rd and he said get back to him if no change using inhaler/cough syrup. No change. Grrrrr. I've annoyed my husband to death with hacking like a 2 pack a day smoker. I'll have to change my blog to "Hackin with Flo". Last night another trip to the spare room so hubby can sleep. I'm so glad I'm retired and can just lay low.

I have a few days here with no committments so it's a good time to do nothing. That's the beauty of retirement I guess. No phone call to a boss which was always embarressing.

Some of the words above were red like misspelled or something, but I don't see where they told me correct spelling..weird..anybody know how that works? Am I to get out the dictionary for the words highlited when I clicked on ABC ??

I'll try to post something more clever when I get something more clever to post..heh.

jibberish

Well a new week is about to begin. I did my grocery shopping today so tomorrow I can vege. Coughing and coughing wears me out and wets my pants. I think layin low might help. I'll schedule an appt if it continues. Get some "knock you out" cough syrup..zzzz.

Monday vege..Tues I'll drive down to Albany and meet up with an old old friend I used to work with. She lives in Eugene. We're gonna probably be run outta the restaurant for causing such a ruckus..we sure used to at work!! Love her to death!!

Wednesday breakfast out with a friend I hang out with as often as I can. I figure by Thursday my weight will be back up to "porker" status with all this eating out.

Monday I'm gonna tackle making fish tacos. Never thought I'd see the day...I hate fish. But, my daughter gave me a new recipe so we'll see.

God answered a BIG BIG BIG prayer for me...it's not a total answer, but enough to light the light under my hope button!!!!! Thank you Jesus!!!!

Have a great week hepcats!

monday rambling

Bob just celebrated his 64th birthday. He always goes up to the batting cages and hits fast balls just to see if he can do it. I always go with him and I hit a few softballs myself. The cage I got into mal-functioned and it sent balls at me one right after the other w/not more than a second between time..I tried to hit as many as I could but when they came 3 at a time I freaked and got outta there. It was kinda funny. Then we went over to Fuddruckers and got ourselves a nice fat hamburger lunch.

We did the baseball thing on Friday, his birthday was actually Saturday. His daughters took him out to breakfast. I gave him his gifts when we got home. We had dinner out at The ole Spaggetti Warehouse at their new location downtown .. it was ok...I had to send something back twice, but I'd go there again prolly. We came home and watched one of the movies I got him "Chariots of Fire" .. yeah you're right..it IS an old one!!

A coworker of Bob's died over the weekend. Bob has figured that most of his coworkers get out of the job not by retiring, but by dying. I don't think he's nervous about that fact, but maybe. He jokes about it..perhaps to mask his own "gulp".

Once again I'm not being clever in this blog..I wonder why I keep a blog when my entries are so boring, even to myself!! Oh I did hear something at church I liked..."If you want more of HIS face, sit at HIS feet". Bye now!!

Mothers

I look around me at the people who love and respect their moms. The hugs, the happiness of kids knowing their mom was there for them and the happiness of moms being appreciated for being there for their kids. It's a joyful occasion that needs to be celebrated!! It's hard work being a mom, but for some it comes quite naturally, for others a challenge.

I'm feeling sad today. A couple of days ago my daughter was here visiting with my new grandbaby. Our conversation drifted to the past and suddenly reality hit me square in the face. My daughter does not love me because she views me as an abusive mother who messed up her life. I looked deep within, I saught in my mind memories to prove that wrong, but instead was confronted with truth in her words.

I married a man I did not love. That had its affect on me and the marriage, and ultimately the kids. I didn't have to marry him, I wasn't pregnant or anything like that. The realization that I didn't love him came strongest on our wedding day. You know how you can focus too much on the terrible thing it would be to cancel when there are guests arriving, church is decorated, etc etc. When I should have focused on the future, the real part of what I was entering into...marriage.

The kids came, I loved them so much. Then trouble in the marriage came. Counselor after counselor. Then PMS came. Goodbye Flo. Hello Monster. It is this monster that the kids think of when they think of me. Gone are the good memories, camping, bedtime stories, all gone. Only the yelling. The smacking around and anger sit in their minds when they think of me and there's not a thing I can do about it now. Those days are gone..I've managed to dupe myself into thinking since I've let it go...the kids will. WRONG!

My son feels betrayed because I told his dad he was doing drugs (which he was). My daughter feels betrayed because I divorced her dad and changed their finances. I did not go after his retirement and had given him mine when we got married so he could build a house he now lives in. I am no innocent in any of this. But, looking into the mirror and seeing an abusive parent looking back is new to me. Knowing my children talk about me as the abusive parent to others is embarressing and shameful to me. Yes..see? It's me me me. All about me. A habit hard to break.

My own mother abused me and I was never able to see anything good about her. Knowing this is how it is for my children breaks my heart. My oldest I raised alone. She seems to genuinely care about me so I did something right in that relationship. There still isn't that respect of having been a good mother. I know there are others out there who are struggling on this day...Mother's Day. Can't go back and fix it. Try to do the best you can in parenting and grandparenting now, but it's too late to change what's inside my children..the memories they have..the damage I've done to them. No, I do not own this as my being the only contributor to the disfunction. It does always take two.

If you had a good nuturing mother who baked cookies and was soft and gentle you are blessed. If you had a bad mother who snarled and seemed mentally disturbed all the time..please please try to forgive her. Try to move forward without blaming her entirely for your problems. Own your own share in them. If you are grown up, be grown up. I didn't stop blaming my mother and father for my hangups until I was in my late 50s..don't wait so long. If you abused your children admit it.
I am admitting it. I am owning it. I am paying for it.

Mothers

I hope all of you who have mothers will honor them this coming Sunday, May 9th. My mother is gone...she was "gone" even when alive as far as sanity, but now that I'm finally grown up (and then some) I wish I could do it over. Be a good loving daughter. I was so angry at her being crazy I could not be loving and have now regrets. So, even if your mother is mentally ill, mean, rigid, anxious, immature...whatever...she did her best under the conditions she lived under. When my mother gave birth to me she didn't know her illness would progress to the degree it did.

I've failed in so many ways as a mother and it'd be real easy to say "if only" I'd had a normal mother growing up it would have been better. I don't know. I just know "regrets is looking backwards" and I need to look forward and be the best mother I can now, the best grandmother I can now...just be my best anything!!!! Happy Mother's Day to you all!