Runaways

Gee, time is goin so fast.  I've been to California and Mexico since my last post.  We escaped for Thanksgiving.  Family dynamics being what they are, we just ran away.  Had Thanksgiving with Bob's family.

Got thru December 16 which was my son's birthday.  He would have been 33.  His dying in June sure messed up the joy of the holidays I have to say.  Fun isn't fun.  Oh, I have the joy of the Lord for sure, but this business of living out each day has its ups and downs when you lose a child.

We're going thru the motions of decorating, shopping, wrapping and meal planning for Christmas Eve.  I like to plan early, but unfortunately I'm trying to coordinate with a daughter who doesn't.  I'm on hold til she says yes, she'll cook the meat.  Usually this being the 17th of December, I'd have the table set by now.

Our cruise to Mexico was our 3rd so I didn't even get off the ship at one port.  First time with Norwegian...usually prefer Princess.  I struggled with swollen ankles the latter part of the vacation.  We sat too much with family, playing games and eating out that got my ankles started, then on the ship their auditorium was poor planning so rows were so close together you couldn't really cross your legs or change positions...little puffy ankles dangling down getting fatter and fatter.  But, we had a wonderful Steward who made cute little animals out of towels everyday.

We took our time driving home and all in all it was a good time with family in California and we do not reqret going.

hey Kathy

showing Kathi what rough seas does to swimming pool, yet ship feels totally stable and not rocky.

4 months

Today was the 4 month anniversary of my son's death.  Yes, there have been tears, but there has been laughter as well.  Both are gifts from God.  The tears to release the pain of such a loss and the laughter a gift for other family members to give them hope of my return to normal.   And yes, some guilt accompanies the laughter like I'm failing to grieve properly.  I know this, too, shall pass.  I've come through other difficulties and here I am.  Oh, nothing as powerful as the loss of a child...nothing compares to that I'd guess.  But, God is showing me how strong I am and that my behavior will show others how to grieve with God's strength.  Without it, the experience would be unbearable.  Thank you for taking this journey with me if you read my blog.  

I'd do that for you Jesus.

There comes a time you have to realize your kids are adults and can choose who they want to hang out with.  If you are unable to watch their kids on a certain time...or say something they feel is worthless..they make it seem so easy to pull back their love.  It's hard to see other families functioning as a unit, close and respectful when you are in a disfunctional one.  Looking forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas is no longer a joy, but a dread.  The desire to run away...live in another city so you can explain this riff  is due to distance.  Your grandkids may view your absence as distance as I'm quite sure they're being told "I guess they're too busy to see you".  The truth being...nobody responds to efforts to speak and arrange to see the kids.  I am beginning to believe it is not so much a rejection to us as a rejection of our Jesus that we serve.  If that's the case it's bible prophecy that we'll be persecuted and I can handle that.  I'd do that for you Jesus!!!  In the end times family fall apart..we're there I'd guess, we're there.

yurt vacation

Just got back from camping on the Oregon Coast in a Yurt.

That's Bob inside there finishing up set up.  Here's inside the thing.

I slept on the bottom and Bob went to the rafters.  Across is a futon couch thing..we sat there with laptop propped up on two chairs to watch dvds at night..I know...roughing it huh?  Yurts have electricity, but you 're not allowed to cook inside.

We read on the beach, ate fried food and some relaxation.  I'd say camping is NOT relaxing unless you're in one of those huge motor homes or other RV.

We enjoyed smores and watching the fire.  It's a step up from a tent..unless you have a huge tent. The key to it all is HUGE..haha.

out of Ashes

In my devotions this morning I read "I will bring beauty out of the ashes of your dreams.  I will glean joy out of sorrow."  The writer hit it on the head.  I thought of my recently deceased son who had been cremated..ashes.  The dream of a complete restoration of our relationship was burned up.  But, God can bring beauty out of this and find joy for me.  This was encouraging to me.  A confirmation God has not forgotten me.  I carry no grudge against God for Michael's death.  I do not understand it, but trust HIM completely.

Death of Joan Rivers 9/4/2014

Joan Rivers died today. 81.  She was extremely funny.   This is the 2nd very funny comic to die in 2014 and close together.  Robin Williams died in August.  Big Names.  I have to ponder the same question I pondered when my son died in June of 2014...also a funny guy...where are they?  Was their final destination, Heaven?  I know my son asked Jesus into his heart at age 3.  God will decide who He allows in His heaven.  It'll be interesting to see who's there.   Will I be there?  Something to think about.  We spend eternity either with God, or without Him.  People joke around about "oh I hope I go to Hell cuz that's where all my friends are".  Many assume ALL go to Heaven when they die.  This mystery is covered in God's Word.  And it is FOREVER.  Now is the time to talk to God about yourself and your walk with Him.

daily?

A Facebook friend told me about the death of her 25 yr old son.  Wept tears for her and for myself.  Is this a daily thing?  Grieving is really quite terrible..the helplessness of it all.  But, I know God is with me in this valley.

Goodbye my son.

June 3, 2014 my world as I knew it changed.  It began with a knock on the door and my daughter Holly and granddaughter, Mia stood there.  "Is Bob here" they asked as they came in.  No.  I started laughing and said "oh my goodness I don't have a bra on..don't want little Mia scared about getting old" so I told them to sit down and I'd be right out of the bathroom where I finished dressing. I was laughing and happy, without a care in the world..never dreaming in 5 minutes that would all be gone and I would have a care in the world.

"When is Bob going to be home?" Holly asked again.  "Sit down, I have something to tell you" she said with such a serious look on her face.  I sat down.  Her next words caused the most pain I have ever experienced.
"Michael died"  I looked at Mia with such pity as I assumed it was her daddy who we call Mike.  "Michael?" I asked.   "Your son, my brother," Holly said almost impatiently.  No wonder she wanted my husband there.

Shock.  Screaming denial.  No No No, this cannot be true..my arms pushing the dreadful words away. Holly told me, Michael,  had been fixing himself a drink and felt light headed or dizzy and lay down on the floor halfway between kitchen and living room in his apartment.  The empty glass lay nearby.  My 32 year old son just folded his hands under his head like a pillow and quietly left this earth.  Later his autopsy would indicate a coronary disease that was undiagnosed.

After telling me, Holly left to go tell her half sister, I called Bob and screamed into the phone "my son is dead"!!!  Poor guy stopped his shopping at Lowes, tried to swing by our church to get advice on how to help me before coming home.  The church was blocked off due to a search for a suspect in the area, so Bob just came on home.  He plopped down beside me on the sofa where I was sobbing and cried with me, saying "I'm so sorry, Flo, this is the worse that could ever happen to you."  He held me so tight and has been such a source of support.

I  miss Michael more than words can express.  We had a strained relationship and it was seeming to improve just before he left this earth.  I'm not mad at God.  He has sustained me beyond understanding.

I'm grieving.  Tears come without warning.  Agony of spirit can be brought on by a dream, a smell, a sight.

I know lots of people lose loved ones.  But, I have heard losing a child is among the worst.  I believe it now.

Bob created a beautiful memorial book for me.

 It's filled not only with some pictures, but legal documents, messages from Facebook friends, all the sympathy cards are indexed and attached in a way you can open each one and read it.  I even put in conversations with my son held on Facebook Messaging.  He never accepted my friendship on there.  My loss is the loss of a dream of having my son in my life.  He accepted Jesus early in life and although had drifted, he never lost that core belief.  I pray he'll be one of those saints running toward me when I arrive in Heaven!!  I LOVE YOU MICHAEL

Here's the last picture of us together a few months before his death

Here's Michael's Memorial Video shown at his funeral.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-NrGYDIjA14

grandma tries.

I may be old, but this grandma tries to have fun with her grandkids!!