Oh boy. Yesterday was my Cystodefecography. Yeah, try pronouncing it. In a nutshell think, embarressing, pinching pain, quiet anger, humor and relief when over. First, no food after midnight (oh, I forgot STARVATION) on my list. I slirpped on some nasty jello off the K-mart shelf. Can of chicken broth and coffee. Yum! The morning of the test the navy arrived and it was war on a bath towel when the "Fleet" came marching in two by two. Yeah, those guys!
The drive to Portland, thank you hubby. The Providence Professional Plaza, how could anything hurt in THIS beautiful building. Of course we passed the cafeteria to get to Suite 117. Rub it in.
The procedure itself began with drinking two containers of watered down chalk with a hint of raspberry. Pride when the lady said, "I think you drank this faster than any other patient"..well, they did say not to sip it.
Instructions..DO NOT POOP! Why not say do not BREATHE! However, prayer is a powerful thing!!
Paperwork is a good distraction, also. 40 minutes later the pretty blond comes and gets me.
Then the new wardrobe..two gowns..first opens in back..2nd opens in front..I like that. Walk to first X-ray of innards. Now, walk to what looks like an operating room and get on table..warm blanket. "Sorry, picture didn't turn out"..back to cold X-ray table, bye bye warm blanket. Return to 'operating room'. All this walking and I'm NOT to let anything out!!! In a few minutes, a smiling chipper unsub from Criminal Minds comes in to torture me with a catheter insertion..MOMMY!! Tapes tube to my leg with a pair of sissors dangling..ok now that's just wrong!!! Then just to complete the agony (ok so maybe NOT agony in the true sense of the word, but to me yes!) they fill my bladder...wait it's suppose to go out not in. Oh this is definately NOT fun. Smiley leaves to get to her next victim. Pretty blond girl leaves me alone as she goes to get the doctor. I begin to sing praise and christmas songs to keep my mind off the pain..
Next the Dr arrives with two giant cylinders of goop..yeah..guess where they decide to store that..and yes they do use what resembles a calking gun come to think of it. Now, without losing any of goop, they say "walk" over here. DEAD GIRL WALKING came to mind as I slowly made my way across the room to some steps..up up up...now sit. Before I know it and in spite of great discomfort they give me an amusement ride..my seat aka potty chair, is airborn. Wheeeee! NOT!! Then the fun begins..Do this, squeeze that, hold that, cough, push...am I having a baby or what? All to the eager eyes of the doctor and his girl Friday. After they put me thru the paces, I have questions...so they begin to show me the images which are at my elbow...the girl says "look away..those aren't images of you yet"..oh yeah Hippa. I'm so gonna tell everybody about blurry fuzzy pictures of strangers' movements. It was interesting as I watched mine, it was like a video of cloud formations..see this is where you coughed, this is where you relaxed. Hey..cool. How do I know this is really me? Faith man, just pure faith.
It's finally over and I'm left with the girl Friday to unhook all the tubing etc..it's no skin off her nose that I hurt like crazy and wanna scream..but I smile, I joke, and when she's done I go into my private dressing room and it's over.
I go back to where my dear husband has waited over an hour and where do I head? Cafeteria of course. There are things I wanna do to be more comfortable but I am a lady so I don't. About an hour and a half later, the sharp pain from the catheter is gone. Thank you Advil.
Next we go visit our friend at OHSU who is really really sick and suddenly I am very thankful that my "agony" ended for the day, while our friend has been in hospital over 3 months and it ain't over yet for him. Even if I have surgery, I won't suffer as much as this young man. I am ashamed of how I whined on the way to see him. But, there are more tests, no doubt more whining and if I do have surgery, I will be a coward. But as long as I remember to praise God and sing He will see me through it all.
Thursday, December 13, 2012
medical tests - don't read if squeamish
Posted by Flo at 12:28 PM
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13 comments:
Hey Flo, it sounds like you went through something I don't ever want to go through but with your descriptions I just won't ever do it. It must have been complete agony for you but when you have the sense of humor that you have at least you can endure it. When I have to go through any tests I always try to make people laugh so it doesn't seem to be that bad. I hate tests anyway!!!
I have been so busy this is the first time I've been on the computer in about 5 days to do anything on it. Luv u Flo, Nita
thanks for reading it...I have to make it funny cuz otherwise if I were a shy little thing I'd have died of sheer embarressment. I'm glad God gifted me with a sense of humor!!!
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