3rd anniversary

3 years ago today my son died.  He lay in his apt until June 3rd.  The records have to show date of death as June 3rd, 2014 because that's when his body was found.  It's on his death certificate.

It's really hard to lose a child.  I look at baby pictures of him and those impact me more than current ones...not sure why.

 He was 32 when he died, so still young.  Jesus was 33 when He died.  I believe God knows how my heart feels.

Michael and I were close until the divorce.  We had a falling out shortly after so for quite a few years it was me pursuing him.  I began to see a bit of progress when suddenly and without warning..he was gone.

Without the Lord I am quite sure I'd be a basket case.  He has sustained me and guarded my heart from hurt these 3 years.  My husband is a rock, also.  I'm very blessed.

Memorial Day 2017

I know it's about honoring veterans who lost their lives on the battle field and perhaps other deaths among our loved ones.  But, it's also about freedom from work for one day for many.  It's about family getting together or friends.  We started our day with breakfast out with good friends.  Oh sure the place was over priced, but these people are worth it.  Thank you, Doug, for arranging this.

We're home and have just assembled shish Kebobs to BBQ outside.  Just hubby and me.  I'm blessed to have a husband who enjoys planning events as I'm such a stump.  I could just sit for hours.  We did take a 30 min walk earlier so maybe a 90 percent stump.  Thank you to all you veterans who gave your life so I can be free.  Free to worship my God.  Free to come and go without restraint...other than the restraint that goes along with the aging process..ugh.

Enjoy your day.  Be thankful.  God bless you and yours.

TV and dogs

Good morning.  It's Thursday...one of my favorite days cuz "Bluebloods" ya know.  All day.  We switched from cable to antenna a few months ago, but fortunately I can still get some of my favorite shows.  We added "Sling" which gives some of the lost cable programs like Food Network and HGTV and we also added "Feelin" for some decent movies.  Netflix completes the package.  Ok, I am impressed that you don't watch hours of TV..that you're out there pulling weeds and planting flowers.  My thumb is not green.  There is one tulip that I planted years ago that is so forgiving it shows up every spring...Otherwise that's hubby's turf out there.

Took my usual walk this morning and got a bit nervous when I heard like maybe 5 dogs barking suddenly at once...small ones that go arf arf and large ones woof woof...it was around a corner so I ventured forward cautiously reminding myself Jesus walks with me and He ain't afraid of dogs.  By the time I rounded the corner all was quiet.  Have a great day!

Hello it's Wednesday

Hello.  It's Wednesday morning on May 24, 2017.  Been awhile since I've written anything. L-a-z-y.  I feel I should be blogging at least.  Trying to keep a Journal just ends up being a whine fest.  Anybody else find that true?

Our teacher did not show up at my house for the Writing Class Finale potluck, so I entertained 4 charming wonderful men who also brought the food.  We shared our work, eat the food and had a great final class.

I'll try to make this blog interesting, but no promises.  My cleverness is being replaced by aging and complaining about aches and pains.  As Betty Davis said "aging ain't for sissies".  Or something like that.  I thank God I am healthy enough to walk daily for 30 minutes and am reasonably agile.  I dropped a donut yesterday and picked it up, so yes, I do squats!

Have a great Wednesday!!

reflecting

It's been 8 months since my son, Michael, died.  June 3, 2014.  See saw of emotion and lack of emotion.  I still find it overwhelming to do simple tasks and I want to stay in bed much longer.  I have laughed, and I have cried.  Reading about grief, hearing songs about death or even just a beautiful melody brings on the sorrow.

I have accepted his death..yet not really.  I question my faith and feel desperate to know for sure he's in Heaven.  I was not part of his life the last few years except messages I sent via facebook.  He rejected my friend requests and efforts to have a relationship.  He never stopped his feeling he referred to as apathy towards me.  Better anger than apathy.  Different times I'd run into him, like granddaughter's birthday parties and he'd allow a hug, a picture, but there was definately indifference on his part.  It hurt.  But losing him doesn't hurt any less because he did not return my love.  If anything it hurts more because of the unfinished business.  Oh how I worked toward a relationship.

Just spilling my guts as I've had a good cry and felt the need to write things down.

Until the next time

Runaways

Gee, time is goin so fast.  I've been to California and Mexico since my last post.  We escaped for Thanksgiving.  Family dynamics being what they are, we just ran away.  Had Thanksgiving with Bob's family.

Got thru December 16 which was my son's birthday.  He would have been 33.  His dying in June sure messed up the joy of the holidays I have to say.  Fun isn't fun.  Oh, I have the joy of the Lord for sure, but this business of living out each day has its ups and downs when you lose a child.

We're going thru the motions of decorating, shopping, wrapping and meal planning for Christmas Eve.  I like to plan early, but unfortunately I'm trying to coordinate with a daughter who doesn't.  I'm on hold til she says yes, she'll cook the meat.  Usually this being the 17th of December, I'd have the table set by now.

Our cruise to Mexico was our 3rd so I didn't even get off the ship at one port.  First time with Norwegian...usually prefer Princess.  I struggled with swollen ankles the latter part of the vacation.  We sat too much with family, playing games and eating out that got my ankles started, then on the ship their auditorium was poor planning so rows were so close together you couldn't really cross your legs or change positions...little puffy ankles dangling down getting fatter and fatter.  But, we had a wonderful Steward who made cute little animals out of towels everyday.

We took our time driving home and all in all it was a good time with family in California and we do not reqret going.

hey Kathy

showing Kathi what rough seas does to swimming pool, yet ship feels totally stable and not rocky.